rblog

The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?
Author: Leslie Bennetts
Amazon info

This was a perfect book for me to read as Molly has started a "way more than full time" job and I have become the "stay at home" parent (although I am still working). I was able to identify with the situation of the SAHM (stay at home mom), but to view it rationally and unemotionally. And, I was able to see the differences between my situation and that of other SAHMs.

First and foremost, the book emphasizes the tremendous financial risk that a woman faces when she chooses to become a SAHM. As is well stated "a man is not a financial plan". Disability, death, and divorce (the three Ds) can easily destroy the "man=plan" approach, with divorce probably the most prevalent. Interestingly, divorce statistics are very difficult to come by - as they must by nature, be predictive - as in what are the odds that marriages like mine are likely to end in the next N years. So the divorce rate range is somewhere between 20% and 50%. But of course, everyone assumes that it is "the other x%" and never them. By giving up an income, women expose themselves to a big financial risk.

The other factor that is highlighted, although not quite as clearly is the existence of ageism. Women may thing - well, if a divorce does happen, I will just go back to work, after all I have a college degree/MBA/etc. Sadly, it turns out that going back to work after a break of several years is very difficult. Technology has changed, employers may be biased against returning moms, and worst of all - there is significant discrimination against "older workers". Which, for women means anyone over 40 (men have until 50). Ageism is not really something that someone in their 20s and 30s can understand - it is basically invisible until you see it hitting your friends. Yes, I speak from experience.

So, I would agree with the author that any decision to leave the work force should be made very very very carefully. Turning the tables now to why women leave the work force, I think it boils down to two items:
1. Their husbands make enough so that they can - and hey, let's face it, NOT working is MUCH easier than working (once your kids are in school, before that is an entirely different situation).
2. Working outside the home and then doing all the housework is a lot of work.

The first part of the book addresses the downside of relying on your husband and the book also addresses the second aspect - getting your partner to do more of the work at home. There are two reasons men don't do as much of the housework as women. The first is that women don't demand it (see my upcoming review of "Women Don't Ask") and second, women do too much housework. This latter topic is not covered in the book - it is my own view. The reality is that women can cut out 1/3 of the work they do and still have a wonderful home. It won't be in Sunset magazine, but the kids will be happy, the house will be livable, and everyone will be calmer. My magic formula is "Cut it, Split it". First, the woman cuts out 1/3 of the requirements, then demands that the man split the remaining 2/3 equally. She won't like to make the cuts, he won't like to split the remainder, but it will be doable and fair. And, if you work out the math, the woman will do 67% less work around the house, which is significant.

One other topic that rang true was the existence of men's resentment regarding their stay-at-home wives. I am often asked the infamous question "what does she do all day". And since I mostly hang out with moms - I know the real answers. And in all honesty, it just isn't fair to have the men shoulder the entire burden of earning the money while SAHMs get to "hang out". (Again, for families with kids that are not in school or have special needs, this doesn't apply).

Possibly to its detriment, the book focuses on very wealthy couples - e.g. those earning 7 and 8 figure salaries. That is extremely unrealistic. Obviously, opting out is available only to people making quite a bit of money, but the examples in the book are a bit out of control.

I applied this book to my own life and a lot of it made sense. My current plan for dealing with my company's eventual demise was to "opt-out" due to Molly's demanding travel schedule. This book reinforced that I need to focus on my "re-entry" strategy for getting back into the workforce when the kids are just a few years older (I have one). Also, even though the stay-at-home life will be quite easy, I now realize that it is not fair to Molly for me to "do nothing", so I imagine that my re-entry will be sooner than I had earlier anticipated. Also, I will be a better role model to the kids when working - although I will probably find a job that is lower pay/less stress/easier hours, so that I can continue to manage the household.

Recommended: For all parents and for anyone considering "opting out".