rblog

I am a strong believer that the words that we use have a tremendous impact on our communication effectiveness. This is not quite as lame as it sounds as there are those who believe that tone of voice, body language, and other factors are more important than the words. Perhaps it is because I am so literal, but I am a believer in the power of the word to influence the emotions that are created and turn into the feelings we have.

So, some thoughts on key phrases to use and/or avoid...

1. "Will you please" instead of "You need to"
Turns out that "you need to" are the three least effective words in the English language. If we tell someone that they "need to" do something, they immediately bristle. And if they refuse, you are already in an escalated situation and egos start to get in the way. On the other hand, if you say "Will you please" (or even better - "will you please....because...") in the unlikely event of a refusal, there is still room for negotiation. And "will you please" leads so nicely to "thank you".

2. Tell kids what to do, not what not to do. For example, let's consider the phrase "Don't play ball in the house". Six words, five of them are "play ball in the house" - what do you think kids will remember? Is it any wonder they will continue to play ball in the house? Consider instead, "Will you please play ball outside?". Over time, they will associate "play ball" and "outside".

3. Let's eliminate the word "just" - as in "just keep your eye on the ball". Grammatically it adds nothing and is just a wasted word. But worse than that, it adds the connotation of "it's easy". Who wants to be told that something their struggling with is "easy". It comes pretty close to saying "keep your eye on the ball, you idiot". If you need to replace "just" with something, I would suggest "please" - you can't have too many of those.

4. The problem with "but". Consider the following: "Your hair looks lovely today, but those pants make you look fat." The use of the word "but" completely eliminates the initial positive comment and the listener only hears "I look fat in these pants". Several keys here:
* If providing mixed messages, make sure there is clear pause between the two
* A good phrase to use is "You would be better/more effective/even prettier..." rather than the dreaded "need to". For example - "You need to brush your hair" vs. "You would look even prettier if you brushed your hair".

Finally, a book that I read a long time ago was very useful to me in getting the children to listen to my requests. As always, the power of a book is mostly the consistency it provides (rather than the specific recommendation) - but this book's approach was easy enough to follow and I recommend it. It is "Children Are From Heaven" by John Gray. He has a five-step approach that has worked for us - quickly described as:
* Request
* Listen
* Negotiate
* Command
* Timeout
but you can read about this in his book.